Thursday, November 14, 2013

One with the Universe

The wind is blowing, it's getting dark, the weather has been getting colder. I enjoy sitting outside at night, looking at the stars and listening to the wind and the bugs. The sky has been so much clearer lately. I sit out for as long as I can until my fingers and nose get too cold or until I am discovered by too many mosquitoes.
observing nature

It's beautiful to think about how infinitely vast space is... not that I can truly comprehend it. I also like to think about how infinity intricate all of life is here on this planet. Biology is a new passion of mine. It's almost spiritual or transcendent to me. The more I learn the more my eyes open to see how interconnected all of life is. We really are all one with the universe. Some might think it is strange to come to that conclusion through science but that is whats happening for me. I am still undecided as far as what I want to do for a career but since I found something I'm passionate about studying I would like to find a job in the field. One thing my eyes have become open to is how rapidly us humans are destroying nature and hence ourselves. I think a career that would allow me to help make the biosphere a healthier place and educate others about what is going on might be the right path for me.

Currently I am in school part time, studying biology and my basics. I also have two jobs I do. I make my own schedule for the most part, one of my jobs I am a movie extra so I book my own gigs. The classes I'm taking this semester are online so plan my own studies. I am also babysitting a three year old girl. The movie extra stuff is interesting to say the least. I meet all kinds of people, from all walks of life. I get to see how TV and movies are made... goddam there is so much that goes into it no wonder it costs so much! There is a lot of downtime on set. It's often described as a "hurry up and wait" kind of a job because when they are ready to roll you better be in position. It has been a new experience interacting with so many people. Sometimes I can be very social. I have fun talking to everyone in the group I'm with and I can occasionally be the center of attention. Other times I just want to sit by myself and read until they need me to do anything. I'm learning a lot about how I relate to the world.
play dough rose

The babysitting thing has been truly incredible. I think a more accurate description would be a nanny. I find it so fulfilling in a way that I've never experienced at a job before. Most of the time it doesn't even feel like work. I feel like my job is to spend time with a little girl, keep her safe, teach her things, play games, go for walks and to the park, read stories and be able to witness this child experience the world through fresh eyes. It is so bizarre because abut two years ago I really didn't care much for kids. I thought they were irritating. My sister and I lived together when she had her baby two years ago and for about the first 9 months after she was born. I feel in love with that baby and she caused me to see children in a whole new way. Still not sure if or when I will have any of my own. I am defiantly open to the idea now and I am constantly told how "good I am with kids". Typing that just now made me laugh since it was so unlike me before.

It is challenging for me to manage all these things and have time to spend with my boyfriend, and maintain my own physical and mental health. My boyfriend and I live together, it's been about 10 months since I moved in. We went from a long distance, online relationship to moving in with each other a little quick I will admit but it felt like the right thing to do and things are working out. This relationship has been different from any I have had in the past. We are more honest and direct with each other, no games. Almost like I'm kind of a grownup now. :-P He is the smartest person I have ever known. He is one of he most authentic, the most honest and also one of the most... unique people I have ever known. ;-) I love our philosophical conversations and talking to him about books and movies. I like that he likes that I am weird. I don't want to go into much detail about us to be respectful of his privacy, so I will leave it at that.

I am coming up on my two year "sobriety and recovery" date on Christmas. It's pretty wild how much life can change. I'm more "stable" than I can ever remember being. I still struggle sometimes though. I don't always deal with stress well, since I tend to worry and wind myself up. There have also been a couple times this past year where I had difficulty getting the meds I need and it sent me into a tailspin of depression. Caring for my mental health, for myself, is something I continue to work on in my daily life and I am sure I always will. (If you would like more information about how I came to this place in my recovery please check out my guest blog post on healingfrombpd.org.)
the yin and yang of play dough

I read recovery related books almost every day, preferably when I wake up to start the day. I like to write and reflect on my day and my life to become aware of what I do well and what I would like to work on. Three of the most influential "recovery" related books that I have read this year are 1) Awakening the Buddha Within By Lama Surya Das, 2) Mindful Recovery by Thomas and Beverly Bein 3) Zen and the Art of Making a Living by Laurence G. Boldt. I am in the middle of the last book and it is already helping me to have healthier views towards work and the way I approach life.

I am not Buddhist but I became interested in learning more about Eastern philosophy and thought after learning mindfulness in dialectical behavioral therapy. The skill of mindfulness has been essential to my healing and growth. When I am more aware of my own thougts and emotions I am able to slow down or prevent destructive automatic responses to situations. Also by learning stay present in the current moment I am less worried about the future, less depressed about the past and I am able to appreciate life as it is right now.

That is life at the moment. I've had some requests for updates since I haven't posted a video in a while. Time flies...

2 comments:

  1. I enjoyed your blog. I have seen how much you have changed and grown. You are finding things you care about and really making a difference.

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    1. Thank you for saying that it means a lot! <3

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